


Things I Must Remember At Hogwarts

by dragonsaints



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Humour, semi-parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 16:39:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10222655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonsaints/pseuds/dragonsaints
Summary: Emma Jones is a 5th year Gryffindor. She loves a good laugh, and ends up being the reason behind a lot of new rules at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.





	1. Rules For Emma

**Author's Note:**

> This is an ancient fanfiction of mine that I am reviving. I hope you will enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Many of the Rules were found on the internet years ago (unfortunately lost the source), however, I did adjust & rephrase quite a few, as well as add my own. Please review, and feel free to mention a Rule you'd like me to write about next!

1\. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

2\. "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

3\. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

4\. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

5\. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

6\. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is not a clever moneymaking concept. It is tasteless and tacky.

7\. Seamus Finnegan is not "After me Lucky Charms"

8\. I will not reenact _Harry Potter Puppet Pals_ in the Great Hall. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

9\. I will not write all my essays in red ink and claim it is blood.

10\. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

11\. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs that Santa Clause isn't real. The same goes for the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

12\. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head, and laugh as he tries to reach it.

13\. I am allowed to have a cat, toad, rat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a python, shark, leopard, or piranha.

14\. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar. Neither do Sirius Black and Professor McGonagall.

15\. I will not kiss Trevor.

16\. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of negative one is.

17\. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first years.

18\. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers and hex his belongings. Nor am I allowed to charm or bewitch his belongings. Quite frankly, I should not be in Professor Snape's private chambers _at all._

19\. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

20\. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's "the new Dark Mark"

21\. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

22\. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

23\. I will not refer to Umbridge as 'Queen of the Toads', even if she really is.

24\. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

25\. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

26\. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

27\. I will not refer to hippogriffs as "horseybirds".

28\. I will not borrow a prefect's badge for Peeves.

29\. I am not Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor. Nor am I the Skivination Professor. I am not a Professor, at all.

30\. I will not replace Madame Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro. It was not an honest mistake.

31\. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry. Or the teacher laundry.

32\. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

33\. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class. Even if I brought enough for everyone. Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is an unacceptable behavior.

34\. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

35\. Chemistry and Potions don't mix. Testing this last is not funny.

36\. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

37\. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

38\. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums", nor does he respond favorably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo", or "Debbie"

39\. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

40\. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

41\. A wand is for magic only. It is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

42\. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "vampires"

43\. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

44\. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not Gandalf.

45\. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

46\. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin House mascot.

47\. There is no "Bring a Muggle to school" day and I should stop insisting that there is.

48\. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if she has ever coughed up a hair ball while in cat form.

49\. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

50\. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from the Phantom of the Opera.

51\. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.

52\. I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

53\. I will not greet Professor Lupin with "Nice Doggy"

54\. I will not ask Professor Sprout where her Jolly Green Giant is.

55\. There is not now, nor has there ever been, nor ever will there be a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of it, nor am I its founder.

56\. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, it is not advised to put "Lord Voldemort" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts. It is probably not best to put "Fred and George Weasley" either.

57\. I must not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force"

58\. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

59\. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste, soap, or shampoo for Christmas.

60\. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

61\. I really shouldn't sneak up behind Hagrid and yell "Surprise!" when he is carrying a Christmas tree to the Great Hall.

62\. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as "Catwoman", no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

63\. I must not dye the Death Eater's robes pink.

64\. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

65\. Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on walls is not funny either.

66\. I must stop referring to the Professors by embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their schooldays.

67\. I must not substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

68\. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library has been closed for an indefinite period of time" amusing in any sense. Neither does Hermione.

69\. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy. He does not need to be told…again.

70\. Umbridge will not melt if water is poured over her, so I can stop trying.

71\. I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

72\. My professors have neither the time _nor inclination_ to hear what I would do with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

73\. No part of the school uniform is edible, and I must not make it so.

74\. I am not allowed to use Silencing charms on my professors. I am not allowed to use Silencing charms on my prefects. I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms, period.

75\. I may not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures. Especially if I actually have them.

76\. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I may not use it.

77\. I may not charm the words "Ferret Boy" onto Draco Malfoy's forehead.

78\. Singing "99 Bottles of Potion" nonstop will result in detention.

79\. I must not dare first years to eat bugs because they will always do it.

80\. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them. Especially not all of them at once.

81\. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as "Galadriel". Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as "Haldir". Severus Snape most definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstance is he to be addressed as "Spock"

82\. I am not to sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" when sent to see the headmaster's office. I am definitely not to sing it when accompanied by house elves. _Especially if they have kazoos._

83\. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I GOT THE POWER!"

84\. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperious curse.

85\. I will not insult people and later claim to have been given Veritaserum. I also will not give people Veritaserum.

86\. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

87\. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed. He does not have a pot of gold at all. I must not spend my free time searching for it.

88\. I will not attempt to make Professor Trelawney's predictions come true.

89\. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

90\. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

91\. The fact that there are three Unforgiveable Curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

92\. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

93\. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

94\. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

95\. I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.

96\. Professor Snape's proper given name is not "Princess Cutesy Glimmer McSparkles Chocolate" and I should not refer to him as such.

97\. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves!" I will be Obliviated.

98\. I am not to tell Muggle-born first years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.

99\. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape. This goes double for superglue.

100\. Nearly headless Nick does not approve of being called Casper the Friendly Ghost. Neither does the Bloody Baron.

101\. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously

102\. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

103\. "42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s

104\. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow. Or build a treefort therein.

105\. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations

106\. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer.

107\. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

108\. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

109\. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.

110\. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

111\. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

112\. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room.

113\. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

114\. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

115\. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.

116\. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

117\. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

118\. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.

119\. I am not allowed to declare an "official" Hug A Slytherin Day.

120\. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as "Tim the Enchanter".

121\. I am not _Xena: Warrior Princess_ and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.

122\. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

123\. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

124\. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".

125\. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

126\. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.

127\. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

128\. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

129\. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice, even for a witch.

130\. It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor.

131\. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

132\. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

133\. Neville is not my valet.

134\. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes. The fact that Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it does not make it okay.

135\. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.

136\. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

137\. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

138\. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

139\. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

140\. I am not allowed to say "Bless you" every time someone mentions Quidditch.

141\. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man" and I will no longer support my claims by conjuring semi-sentient marshmallows.

142\. I _shall not_ sing "Baby Got Back" when Firenze walks by.

143\. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

144\. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate; even in reference to Professor Umbridge.

145\. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

146\. I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.

147\. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

148\. I do not get any flying monkeys when I graduate.

149\. Every time I see a dementor, I will not imitate Ring Wraiths. Every time I see Dobby I will not imitate Gollum. Every time I see Dumbledore, I will not say, "You will not pass!" Frankly, I should stop making references to Lord of the Rings, no matter how clever.

150\. The boggart's first name is not Humphrey.

151\. "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" is not a transfiguration spell.

152\. I will not add 'according to the prophecy' at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

153\. "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is not an actual spell.

154\. I'm not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."

155\. There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

156\. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

157\. Professor Lupin is not addicted to chocolate and I will stop implying that he is.

158\. Murmuring "I see dead people… " every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

159\. Making a slinky go from the top of the astronomy tower to the ground level is not an appropriate pastime. Especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky". Especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky" until the slinky hits the bottom. Especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky" until the slinky hits the bottom and starting the whole process over again whenever the slinky gets stuck. (Apparently, not everyone loves a slinky.)

160\. Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

161\. I should not remark that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" when Snape gets angry. Ever.

162\. Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

163\. Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell. Neither does adding "izzle".

164\. Shouting "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating isn't that amusing.

165\. My "quill-flourish-note-taking-dance" is really unnecessary.


	2. #15: I will not kiss Trevor.

I snickered quietly as shouts of "Trevor!", "TREVOR!", "Trevor, where have you got to now?", and "WHERE IS THAT DAMN TOAD?" echoed through the halls. It was one of our regular Trevor-hunts, marshalled and carried out by Neville Longbottom and whoever was bored enough to run through the school searching for the elusive amphibian. It was entertaining to see who would find Trevor and where he'd turn up. Sometimes I joined in, but mostly only when I stumbled upon the little thing and decided to hide him to prolong Neville's hilarious agony.

Today was different.

Today, I decided it would be amusing to actually join in the screaming and searching.

So after a few first years went charging past me yelling "Trevor", I started hysterically yelling, "I SHALL SAVE YOU, MY LOVE!" and running around looking for that damned scape-toad. The first years turned around in a mixture of disgust and worry and curiousity and shock to look at me. Then they slowly followed me down the corridor.

I went along screaming "TREVOR, MY DEAR, I'M COMING FOR YOU!", and as I ran, the other searchers followed me. I felt rather like the Pied Piper. It was quite humorous.

The other shouts died down. I still hadn't found the toad. I slid to a stop as I ran into the Great Hall. McGonagall and a few other teachers were standing, furious, in my path. It's Saturday evening and I don't think they appreciate the ruckus. "Jones."

"Professors."

"Shut the hell up, Jones."

"But, Professor-"

"I don't want to hear it, Jones! Go back to your dormitory. Now."

Suddenly, I got immensly lucky. Neville Longbottom walked in, holding his precious toad tight. Without stopping to think, I darted around the professors and grabbed the ugly little thing. I'm not talking about Neville. I didn't give myself a chance to consider what I was about to do and I planted my lips on the top of that disgusting toad's head. "Oh, Trevor, my love, come back!" I cried as I pulled back. His skin was cold and wet and I'd regret the kiss if it wasn't so damn funny.

The professors had been watching the whole display, along with the students who had followed me. The students burst into laughter, gasping for breath and holding each other for support. The professors weren't as amused.

"EMMA JONES! GIVE NEVILLE HIS TOAD AND GO TO YOUR DORMITORY NOW!" McGonagall shouted.

Smirking, I handed Neville his pet and slowly walked past my fuming professor. As I walked through the still-laughing crowd of students, lots patted my back and tried to compliment me, but could barely get out a syllable through their laughs. This battle must be considered won.


End file.
